the gauge and the vision

I can say that i am pretty constantly under the scrutiny of myself. Constantly evaluating where i stand before God based on certain internal and external indicators in my life by which i gauge my standing before the almighty. And that's been a pretty unstable way to live.

And lately all those senses have failed.

I can not find any presence of God in my senses and the only thing that i can feel is a whirlwind of temptations and discouragements telling me who i am not before God.

But i had a wonderful morning.

Finally i managed to get myself solely in the presence of God long enough to catch his heart. This is the vision i got;

I saw myself with arms open before the throne and God Himself. My eyes gouged out bleeding from their sockets and on my knees i ask, "God where are you?", along with many other questions(that reveal my mistrust in God) that have been invading my heart lately. And there i am asking the Lord of lords these things never realizing that i am standing in the presence of all the kings of heaven, and i too am a king. These kings are radiating with glory, myself included, but i don't understand without my sight so i continue to state my failures before the King.

I am a king. You are a king or you are a queen but you are not a failure. You are not a bottom of the barrel Christian. I feel like i am hanging on for dear life in this life, but my identity has never been so solid. I am a king. The real question is, when will i realize it?

the gap

There are just somedays i am blown away at how the years have changed life. There are also days when i am blown away at how the years have changed me. Today was more of the latter. I just can't help but look at the person i am today and the person i want to be and see a massive gap.

I think today i am more humble and less holy than i have ever been.

I love it that i can stand at the feet of God and just soak it all in...i just can't do one good thing without God, i don't have it in me and i feel so much peace in that.

I hate it that my heart doesn't hesitate to tell me how i have missed the mark. I am always faced with my own hopelessness of doing anything good alone. I think what i am really talking about is being transformed into someone who might even vaguely resemble Jesus. That would be wonderful.

the desire

God's really been dealing with me on the line of desire lately. Somehow i have gotten off on the outright pursuit of my heart and forgotten God in the process. Its like i have been much more consumed with the satisfaction of my heart than the satisfaction in my God.

I think there is a lie out there in contemporary faith that says pursuit of our hearts = pursuit of God. It's as if the the epitome of good is found at the deepest depths of our hearts. And that is almost true, but the most powerful lies are found right at the edge of truth.

I have been way too self-conscious lately. Way too introverted. I taken way to much time to think about my lack and perpetuated the need. Pursuit of my heart has brought me to a place of heightened awareness of every pubescent insecurity i thought i left behind with the 9th grade.

I think there is a whole lot to be said about losing yourself in the pursuit of God.