Do you trust me?

In the last week, i have failed God on more than one occasion. It may be many, many occasions actually, but a few stand out. I am not sweating it, because God has already made me new on those points, but trust is still at the forefront of my mind. Am i trustworthy? God can clearly see that i am not.

God giving his Spirit is not a riskless venture. If there was no risk of pain or rejection on God's part, the Word would not warn us about "grieving the Spirit". The very fact that it can be grieved speaks about God's vulnerability in trusting us with his Spirit. This is seems like a very unguarded demeanor for an all-powerful God to have. But he does not entrust himself to just anyone (John 3:24). God takes good risks with his Spirit. And we really are a risk, love is always a risk. It's like the way no one bears their soul to a sketchy, unstable person. We are generally not attracted to people who exploit us.

On a deeper level I know that God really does trust me. I have his Spirit, and thats a large, large entrustment. But it's not a trust that by any means expects perfection. Just like i would be insane to expect perfection from a spouse who i would entrust my heart. Emotional pain in inevitable in marriage, yet it is a good risk because the joys outweigh the hurt in a huge way (in a good marriage). God knows i will fail many times over, and for some reason he does not pull his Spirit from me in anticipation of it. In the arena of love, the prospect of true love is always worth it. Love is more beautiful than pain is devastating. This must be the belief in any intimate endeavor.

I am trusted. I am loved.

"The Lord confides in those who fear him, he makes his covenant known to them." Ps. 25:14

selfish faith

Tonight i think God has brought me back to a pretty healthy discomfort. I can't help but be agitated by what God says about the world i live in. The fact that there is a difference between the ungodly and the godly really bothers me. Honestly, it hasn't bothered me in a long time, but tonight has been different. The fact that i can maintain real relationships with people who don't know the Lord with no compulsion to speak truth into their lives really scares me. I am selfish with Jesus. Somehow i have bought into the lie that somehow, in some way, the Lord will find his own way to reveal himself to each individual. But that's not the great commission. God has found his way and its me. Well, its supposed to be me.

Life or death hangs in the balance. I know that's heavy, but the truth usually seems to come that way. I am not a doom or gloom, turn or burn Christian, and i have no intention of becoming one, but i would love to love people better.

Selfishness is not really a static thing. It comes in many forms. I was blown away at the beach the other day to overhear some models talk almost endlessly about the curves of their bodies. Tonight i am blown away looking at my almost endless efforts to improve my own life with God. These are two different realms of selfishness, but selfishness nonetheless. Mine sounds like pretty pious stuff, but its not. My life is great, but my lack of concern for others is straight selfishness.

Word of the night... "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it" Mark 8:35

this divine intersection

It’s odd that it’s come this far,
Like finding the end of the world only to find it begins again,
Like riding some perpetual wave,
Like standing at the very collision of past and future,
Wondering what divine moment lies herein.

I truly am blown away at where I am. So long ago thinking about the future, life into my twenties seemed to just blur out. As if I never actually expected to make it here and stranger yet, I will make it much, much further. Life is just way over my head, but if there’s one thing I know, it’s that this second counts. There is no other place to live then at the divine intersection between history and future. I stand in a position of constantly forcing my way through time, continually writing history. God teach me to write well!

my extraordinary fear

I think I could use a little more abandon in my life. A little more letting go.

If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. Mt. 16:24

I hold onto my own dreams, even though they are broken, incomplete visions of what God has in store. Perhaps I have envisioned the good and let go of the great. Maybe I have somehow settled for the best I can imagine, unwilling to step into the amazing willing of God. I need a little more reckless abandon in the pursuit of God.

I reject the ordinary but can’t quite catch hold of the extraordinary. Maybe it’s because I secretly believe extraordinary people live on a lonely plane. Somehow I have come to believe that the closer I step to God the more he will strip from me. I suppose what’s at the heart of this is that I believe I am better at fulfilling my own desires than God is.

Maybe I secretly believe that God has an extraordinary calling on my life, and suddenly I realize I still have a love for the ordinary. Extraordinary people have no fear of the unknown, and they do not clutch to the past.