Today was more of a struggle than anything. Tonight my heart echo's something i wrote about a year ago. it may seem a bit depressing, but hang in there;
Things just seem clearer at 3 am. A room filled with nothing but a song too often replayed and the bittersweet sting of uncertainty. Nothing moves here. No commotion, nothing but the sound of refilling lungs and my own scattered thoughts. Nothing pushes and nothing pulls, just pure undiluted life remains; but when the sun rises it means I’ve lost a little bit more.
Everything comes back to the way it was at 3 am. It all becomes surreal, just a little too empty. But nothing is more real than this. This is where all that is left is beating hearts and dreams of everything we won’t believe in tomorrow. But this is it; this is where we were meant to live.
Everything fades at 3 am. No deadlines, no stress, no confusion. There is something significant about following one day into another. To follow an end only to find it’s just another beginning. What beauty, what joy, what emotionless serenity. Please somebody just stop the world at 3 am.
3 am I can deal with. I can not deal with choice and love. I can not deal with God and destiny. I can not deal with comprehension and I certainly cannot deal with the future. 3 am asks no questions. 3 am believes in me. 3 am requires nothing. 3 am lives and let’s live. My heart comes back to itself at 3 am. I love myself at 3 am.
Please somebody just stop the world at 3 am.
The sick thing is that to struggle is to choose to struggle. The Lord revealed that to me tonight. I was talking to God about sin and conflict when i heard Him say the wildest thing, "Something can only bind you if it is greater than what first freed you." oooooo that's deep.
A verse that all too often depicts the human condition, "As a dog returns to it's vomit, so a fool repeat his folly." That's sick. But here's the question...why do we return?? I think familiarity overrules misery. I think we prefer what we know, even if it's destroying us. That is also sick.
So that is the shitty part about our earthly struggles. Now here's the beauty...Jacob wrestled the angel and the angel was overcome. This tells me i am not fighting in vain, but i am destined for freedom. I came from perfection, and perfection is my destination.
"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! for i have overcome the world!" John somewhere
1 comment:
Wow, i really liked your comment, "Something can only bind you if it is greater than what first freed you". Definitely something that I don't consider enough.
"As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly." I think another reason we return is because old habits die hard. We get so into the habit of doing something, and we'll convince ourselves that it's "the last time", but yet our lack of discipline or of wisdom brings us back to the same place. To avoid it is a choice we must make everytime we are tempted, and sometimes that choice is hard to make. Thankfully, "no temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it". And so, although a fool may return to his folly, God has given us all wisdom & understanding in order to become wise and to avoid such mistakes.
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