selfish faith

Tonight i think God has brought me back to a pretty healthy discomfort. I can't help but be agitated by what God says about the world i live in. The fact that there is a difference between the ungodly and the godly really bothers me. Honestly, it hasn't bothered me in a long time, but tonight has been different. The fact that i can maintain real relationships with people who don't know the Lord with no compulsion to speak truth into their lives really scares me. I am selfish with Jesus. Somehow i have bought into the lie that somehow, in some way, the Lord will find his own way to reveal himself to each individual. But that's not the great commission. God has found his way and its me. Well, its supposed to be me.

Life or death hangs in the balance. I know that's heavy, but the truth usually seems to come that way. I am not a doom or gloom, turn or burn Christian, and i have no intention of becoming one, but i would love to love people better.

Selfishness is not really a static thing. It comes in many forms. I was blown away at the beach the other day to overhear some models talk almost endlessly about the curves of their bodies. Tonight i am blown away looking at my almost endless efforts to improve my own life with God. These are two different realms of selfishness, but selfishness nonetheless. Mine sounds like pretty pious stuff, but its not. My life is great, but my lack of concern for others is straight selfishness.

Word of the night... "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it" Mark 8:35

this divine intersection

It’s odd that it’s come this far,
Like finding the end of the world only to find it begins again,
Like riding some perpetual wave,
Like standing at the very collision of past and future,
Wondering what divine moment lies herein.

I truly am blown away at where I am. So long ago thinking about the future, life into my twenties seemed to just blur out. As if I never actually expected to make it here and stranger yet, I will make it much, much further. Life is just way over my head, but if there’s one thing I know, it’s that this second counts. There is no other place to live then at the divine intersection between history and future. I stand in a position of constantly forcing my way through time, continually writing history. God teach me to write well!

my extraordinary fear

I think I could use a little more abandon in my life. A little more letting go.

If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. Mt. 16:24

I hold onto my own dreams, even though they are broken, incomplete visions of what God has in store. Perhaps I have envisioned the good and let go of the great. Maybe I have somehow settled for the best I can imagine, unwilling to step into the amazing willing of God. I need a little more reckless abandon in the pursuit of God.

I reject the ordinary but can’t quite catch hold of the extraordinary. Maybe it’s because I secretly believe extraordinary people live on a lonely plane. Somehow I have come to believe that the closer I step to God the more he will strip from me. I suppose what’s at the heart of this is that I believe I am better at fulfilling my own desires than God is.

Maybe I secretly believe that God has an extraordinary calling on my life, and suddenly I realize I still have a love for the ordinary. Extraordinary people have no fear of the unknown, and they do not clutch to the past.

the gauge and the vision

I can say that i am pretty constantly under the scrutiny of myself. Constantly evaluating where i stand before God based on certain internal and external indicators in my life by which i gauge my standing before the almighty. And that's been a pretty unstable way to live.

And lately all those senses have failed.

I can not find any presence of God in my senses and the only thing that i can feel is a whirlwind of temptations and discouragements telling me who i am not before God.

But i had a wonderful morning.

Finally i managed to get myself solely in the presence of God long enough to catch his heart. This is the vision i got;

I saw myself with arms open before the throne and God Himself. My eyes gouged out bleeding from their sockets and on my knees i ask, "God where are you?", along with many other questions(that reveal my mistrust in God) that have been invading my heart lately. And there i am asking the Lord of lords these things never realizing that i am standing in the presence of all the kings of heaven, and i too am a king. These kings are radiating with glory, myself included, but i don't understand without my sight so i continue to state my failures before the King.

I am a king. You are a king or you are a queen but you are not a failure. You are not a bottom of the barrel Christian. I feel like i am hanging on for dear life in this life, but my identity has never been so solid. I am a king. The real question is, when will i realize it?

the gap

There are just somedays i am blown away at how the years have changed life. There are also days when i am blown away at how the years have changed me. Today was more of the latter. I just can't help but look at the person i am today and the person i want to be and see a massive gap.

I think today i am more humble and less holy than i have ever been.

I love it that i can stand at the feet of God and just soak it all in...i just can't do one good thing without God, i don't have it in me and i feel so much peace in that.

I hate it that my heart doesn't hesitate to tell me how i have missed the mark. I am always faced with my own hopelessness of doing anything good alone. I think what i am really talking about is being transformed into someone who might even vaguely resemble Jesus. That would be wonderful.

the desire

God's really been dealing with me on the line of desire lately. Somehow i have gotten off on the outright pursuit of my heart and forgotten God in the process. Its like i have been much more consumed with the satisfaction of my heart than the satisfaction in my God.

I think there is a lie out there in contemporary faith that says pursuit of our hearts = pursuit of God. It's as if the the epitome of good is found at the deepest depths of our hearts. And that is almost true, but the most powerful lies are found right at the edge of truth.

I have been way too self-conscious lately. Way too introverted. I taken way to much time to think about my lack and perpetuated the need. Pursuit of my heart has brought me to a place of heightened awareness of every pubescent insecurity i thought i left behind with the 9th grade.

I think there is a whole lot to be said about losing yourself in the pursuit of God.

Denny's at dawn

Well five months after the last blog entry LA has come and gone. Denny's at dawn was a spectacular start to a day that will mark the end of another season in life. Sometimes there is nothing better than an all-nighter with a close friend over a cup of cheap coffee.

Since there is no hope in recapping the last 5 months i will just start with the right here right now. That's actually a great question. What is God doing right here right now? I am coming off of a debrief week which i pretty much put myself in a spiritual coma, but not to worry i am waking to another amazing season in life; naturally lined with question marks that is.

If i could call the last few months anything it would be a constant push. I really did love it, and God showed up. There truly is nothing i would have rather invested the last half year of my life in that this. God's grace is absolutely mind blowing. His calling of me here is something i will never grasp.

I have been living off the reservoir for the last 10 weeks(all that God has invested in me). I feel the springs just beginning to shower me now, it feels wonderful. I am just on the edge of God knows what. But He is doing it and that's all i need to know for now.