the gauge and the vision

I can say that i am pretty constantly under the scrutiny of myself. Constantly evaluating where i stand before God based on certain internal and external indicators in my life by which i gauge my standing before the almighty. And that's been a pretty unstable way to live.

And lately all those senses have failed.

I can not find any presence of God in my senses and the only thing that i can feel is a whirlwind of temptations and discouragements telling me who i am not before God.

But i had a wonderful morning.

Finally i managed to get myself solely in the presence of God long enough to catch his heart. This is the vision i got;

I saw myself with arms open before the throne and God Himself. My eyes gouged out bleeding from their sockets and on my knees i ask, "God where are you?", along with many other questions(that reveal my mistrust in God) that have been invading my heart lately. And there i am asking the Lord of lords these things never realizing that i am standing in the presence of all the kings of heaven, and i too am a king. These kings are radiating with glory, myself included, but i don't understand without my sight so i continue to state my failures before the King.

I am a king. You are a king or you are a queen but you are not a failure. You are not a bottom of the barrel Christian. I feel like i am hanging on for dear life in this life, but my identity has never been so solid. I am a king. The real question is, when will i realize it?

the gap

There are just somedays i am blown away at how the years have changed life. There are also days when i am blown away at how the years have changed me. Today was more of the latter. I just can't help but look at the person i am today and the person i want to be and see a massive gap.

I think today i am more humble and less holy than i have ever been.

I love it that i can stand at the feet of God and just soak it all in...i just can't do one good thing without God, i don't have it in me and i feel so much peace in that.

I hate it that my heart doesn't hesitate to tell me how i have missed the mark. I am always faced with my own hopelessness of doing anything good alone. I think what i am really talking about is being transformed into someone who might even vaguely resemble Jesus. That would be wonderful.

the desire

God's really been dealing with me on the line of desire lately. Somehow i have gotten off on the outright pursuit of my heart and forgotten God in the process. Its like i have been much more consumed with the satisfaction of my heart than the satisfaction in my God.

I think there is a lie out there in contemporary faith that says pursuit of our hearts = pursuit of God. It's as if the the epitome of good is found at the deepest depths of our hearts. And that is almost true, but the most powerful lies are found right at the edge of truth.

I have been way too self-conscious lately. Way too introverted. I taken way to much time to think about my lack and perpetuated the need. Pursuit of my heart has brought me to a place of heightened awareness of every pubescent insecurity i thought i left behind with the 9th grade.

I think there is a whole lot to be said about losing yourself in the pursuit of God.

Denny's at dawn

Well five months after the last blog entry LA has come and gone. Denny's at dawn was a spectacular start to a day that will mark the end of another season in life. Sometimes there is nothing better than an all-nighter with a close friend over a cup of cheap coffee.

Since there is no hope in recapping the last 5 months i will just start with the right here right now. That's actually a great question. What is God doing right here right now? I am coming off of a debrief week which i pretty much put myself in a spiritual coma, but not to worry i am waking to another amazing season in life; naturally lined with question marks that is.

If i could call the last few months anything it would be a constant push. I really did love it, and God showed up. There truly is nothing i would have rather invested the last half year of my life in that this. God's grace is absolutely mind blowing. His calling of me here is something i will never grasp.

I have been living off the reservoir for the last 10 weeks(all that God has invested in me). I feel the springs just beginning to shower me now, it feels wonderful. I am just on the edge of God knows what. But He is doing it and that's all i need to know for now.

2008...not so great...

So 2008 is not off to a real great start. House got robbed. Got rejected at customs on my way to LA. Christmas gifts got stolen. oh, and i have to pay for another flight. sweet mercy it's been a bad day.

But really...it doesn't make any difference. it's more expensive for me and i have no idea how it will pan out, but it doesn't change anything. The past few days God has really taken me to a place where i realize how valuable my relationships are. i really love my friends and family. If i can't afford to do anything else the rest of my life but still invest in relationships i think i will live a full life. It hurts dishing out to follow God's leading, but if i can invest in one person's life the way my friends and mentors have invested in mine, then a little financial crunch won't change anything.

Late nights with God

I can't think of anything i would trade my late nights with God with. I think God has a very strange brand of wisdom. A few random insights;

to be competent is to be desperate.
to be less is to be whole.
to reserve is to shrink back.

Feeling the weight of LA tonight. But fear is a slap in face. fear is an insult to God. It's faithless, it's cowardliness, it's ridiculous.

I really think my safe zone is humility. There is so much freedom in humility. Humility is completely dependent, it's completely willing, and completely unthreatened. To place yourself in humility is to place yourself as a receiver. And God has alot to give. Anything other than humility has the i-have-arrived-and-your-still-on-your-way attitude. Now that is a dead end, but this is the Word, "but in humility consider others better than yourself". This isn't a put-down, its a reality check saying, 'hey you still have a lot of ground to cover so suck up the pride and take it all in..."

The Struggle

Today was more of a struggle than anything. Tonight my heart echo's something i wrote about a year ago. it may seem a bit depressing, but hang in there;

Things just seem clearer at 3 am. A room filled with nothing but a song too often replayed and the bittersweet sting of uncertainty. Nothing moves here. No commotion, nothing but the sound of refilling lungs and my own scattered thoughts. Nothing pushes and nothing pulls, just pure undiluted life remains; but when the sun rises it means I’ve lost a little bit more.

Everything comes back to the way it was at 3 am. It all becomes surreal, just a little too empty. But nothing is more real than this. This is where all that is left is beating hearts and dreams of everything we won’t believe in tomorrow. But this is it; this is where we were meant to live.

Everything fades at 3 am. No deadlines, no stress, no confusion. There is something significant about following one day into another. To follow an end only to find it’s just another beginning. What beauty, what joy, what emotionless serenity. Please somebody just stop the world at 3 am.

3 am I can deal with. I can not deal with choice and love. I can not deal with God and destiny. I can not deal with comprehension and I certainly cannot deal with the future. 3 am asks no questions. 3 am believes in me. 3 am requires nothing. 3 am lives and let’s live. My heart comes back to itself at 3 am. I love myself at 3 am.

Please somebody just stop the world at 3 am.


The sick thing is that to struggle is to choose to struggle. The Lord revealed that to me tonight. I was talking to God about sin and conflict when i heard Him say the wildest thing, "Something can only bind you if it is greater than what first freed you." oooooo that's deep.

A verse that all too often depicts the human condition, "As a dog returns to it's vomit, so a fool repeat his folly." That's sick. But here's the question...why do we return?? I think familiarity overrules misery. I think we prefer what we know, even if it's destroying us. That is also sick.

So that is the shitty part about our earthly struggles. Now here's the beauty...Jacob wrestled the angel and the angel was overcome. This tells me i am not fighting in vain, but i am destined for freedom. I came from perfection, and perfection is my destination.

"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! for i have overcome the world!" John somewhere