Do you trust me?

In the last week, i have failed God on more than one occasion. It may be many, many occasions actually, but a few stand out. I am not sweating it, because God has already made me new on those points, but trust is still at the forefront of my mind. Am i trustworthy? God can clearly see that i am not.

God giving his Spirit is not a riskless venture. If there was no risk of pain or rejection on God's part, the Word would not warn us about "grieving the Spirit". The very fact that it can be grieved speaks about God's vulnerability in trusting us with his Spirit. This is seems like a very unguarded demeanor for an all-powerful God to have. But he does not entrust himself to just anyone (John 3:24). God takes good risks with his Spirit. And we really are a risk, love is always a risk. It's like the way no one bears their soul to a sketchy, unstable person. We are generally not attracted to people who exploit us.

On a deeper level I know that God really does trust me. I have his Spirit, and thats a large, large entrustment. But it's not a trust that by any means expects perfection. Just like i would be insane to expect perfection from a spouse who i would entrust my heart. Emotional pain in inevitable in marriage, yet it is a good risk because the joys outweigh the hurt in a huge way (in a good marriage). God knows i will fail many times over, and for some reason he does not pull his Spirit from me in anticipation of it. In the arena of love, the prospect of true love is always worth it. Love is more beautiful than pain is devastating. This must be the belief in any intimate endeavor.

I am trusted. I am loved.

"The Lord confides in those who fear him, he makes his covenant known to them." Ps. 25:14

selfish faith

Tonight i think God has brought me back to a pretty healthy discomfort. I can't help but be agitated by what God says about the world i live in. The fact that there is a difference between the ungodly and the godly really bothers me. Honestly, it hasn't bothered me in a long time, but tonight has been different. The fact that i can maintain real relationships with people who don't know the Lord with no compulsion to speak truth into their lives really scares me. I am selfish with Jesus. Somehow i have bought into the lie that somehow, in some way, the Lord will find his own way to reveal himself to each individual. But that's not the great commission. God has found his way and its me. Well, its supposed to be me.

Life or death hangs in the balance. I know that's heavy, but the truth usually seems to come that way. I am not a doom or gloom, turn or burn Christian, and i have no intention of becoming one, but i would love to love people better.

Selfishness is not really a static thing. It comes in many forms. I was blown away at the beach the other day to overhear some models talk almost endlessly about the curves of their bodies. Tonight i am blown away looking at my almost endless efforts to improve my own life with God. These are two different realms of selfishness, but selfishness nonetheless. Mine sounds like pretty pious stuff, but its not. My life is great, but my lack of concern for others is straight selfishness.

Word of the night... "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it" Mark 8:35

this divine intersection

It’s odd that it’s come this far,
Like finding the end of the world only to find it begins again,
Like riding some perpetual wave,
Like standing at the very collision of past and future,
Wondering what divine moment lies herein.

I truly am blown away at where I am. So long ago thinking about the future, life into my twenties seemed to just blur out. As if I never actually expected to make it here and stranger yet, I will make it much, much further. Life is just way over my head, but if there’s one thing I know, it’s that this second counts. There is no other place to live then at the divine intersection between history and future. I stand in a position of constantly forcing my way through time, continually writing history. God teach me to write well!

my extraordinary fear

I think I could use a little more abandon in my life. A little more letting go.

If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. Mt. 16:24

I hold onto my own dreams, even though they are broken, incomplete visions of what God has in store. Perhaps I have envisioned the good and let go of the great. Maybe I have somehow settled for the best I can imagine, unwilling to step into the amazing willing of God. I need a little more reckless abandon in the pursuit of God.

I reject the ordinary but can’t quite catch hold of the extraordinary. Maybe it’s because I secretly believe extraordinary people live on a lonely plane. Somehow I have come to believe that the closer I step to God the more he will strip from me. I suppose what’s at the heart of this is that I believe I am better at fulfilling my own desires than God is.

Maybe I secretly believe that God has an extraordinary calling on my life, and suddenly I realize I still have a love for the ordinary. Extraordinary people have no fear of the unknown, and they do not clutch to the past.

the gauge and the vision

I can say that i am pretty constantly under the scrutiny of myself. Constantly evaluating where i stand before God based on certain internal and external indicators in my life by which i gauge my standing before the almighty. And that's been a pretty unstable way to live.

And lately all those senses have failed.

I can not find any presence of God in my senses and the only thing that i can feel is a whirlwind of temptations and discouragements telling me who i am not before God.

But i had a wonderful morning.

Finally i managed to get myself solely in the presence of God long enough to catch his heart. This is the vision i got;

I saw myself with arms open before the throne and God Himself. My eyes gouged out bleeding from their sockets and on my knees i ask, "God where are you?", along with many other questions(that reveal my mistrust in God) that have been invading my heart lately. And there i am asking the Lord of lords these things never realizing that i am standing in the presence of all the kings of heaven, and i too am a king. These kings are radiating with glory, myself included, but i don't understand without my sight so i continue to state my failures before the King.

I am a king. You are a king or you are a queen but you are not a failure. You are not a bottom of the barrel Christian. I feel like i am hanging on for dear life in this life, but my identity has never been so solid. I am a king. The real question is, when will i realize it?

the gap

There are just somedays i am blown away at how the years have changed life. There are also days when i am blown away at how the years have changed me. Today was more of the latter. I just can't help but look at the person i am today and the person i want to be and see a massive gap.

I think today i am more humble and less holy than i have ever been.

I love it that i can stand at the feet of God and just soak it all in...i just can't do one good thing without God, i don't have it in me and i feel so much peace in that.

I hate it that my heart doesn't hesitate to tell me how i have missed the mark. I am always faced with my own hopelessness of doing anything good alone. I think what i am really talking about is being transformed into someone who might even vaguely resemble Jesus. That would be wonderful.

the desire

God's really been dealing with me on the line of desire lately. Somehow i have gotten off on the outright pursuit of my heart and forgotten God in the process. Its like i have been much more consumed with the satisfaction of my heart than the satisfaction in my God.

I think there is a lie out there in contemporary faith that says pursuit of our hearts = pursuit of God. It's as if the the epitome of good is found at the deepest depths of our hearts. And that is almost true, but the most powerful lies are found right at the edge of truth.

I have been way too self-conscious lately. Way too introverted. I taken way to much time to think about my lack and perpetuated the need. Pursuit of my heart has brought me to a place of heightened awareness of every pubescent insecurity i thought i left behind with the 9th grade.

I think there is a whole lot to be said about losing yourself in the pursuit of God.

Denny's at dawn

Well five months after the last blog entry LA has come and gone. Denny's at dawn was a spectacular start to a day that will mark the end of another season in life. Sometimes there is nothing better than an all-nighter with a close friend over a cup of cheap coffee.

Since there is no hope in recapping the last 5 months i will just start with the right here right now. That's actually a great question. What is God doing right here right now? I am coming off of a debrief week which i pretty much put myself in a spiritual coma, but not to worry i am waking to another amazing season in life; naturally lined with question marks that is.

If i could call the last few months anything it would be a constant push. I really did love it, and God showed up. There truly is nothing i would have rather invested the last half year of my life in that this. God's grace is absolutely mind blowing. His calling of me here is something i will never grasp.

I have been living off the reservoir for the last 10 weeks(all that God has invested in me). I feel the springs just beginning to shower me now, it feels wonderful. I am just on the edge of God knows what. But He is doing it and that's all i need to know for now.

2008...not so great...

So 2008 is not off to a real great start. House got robbed. Got rejected at customs on my way to LA. Christmas gifts got stolen. oh, and i have to pay for another flight. sweet mercy it's been a bad day.

But really...it doesn't make any difference. it's more expensive for me and i have no idea how it will pan out, but it doesn't change anything. The past few days God has really taken me to a place where i realize how valuable my relationships are. i really love my friends and family. If i can't afford to do anything else the rest of my life but still invest in relationships i think i will live a full life. It hurts dishing out to follow God's leading, but if i can invest in one person's life the way my friends and mentors have invested in mine, then a little financial crunch won't change anything.

Late nights with God

I can't think of anything i would trade my late nights with God with. I think God has a very strange brand of wisdom. A few random insights;

to be competent is to be desperate.
to be less is to be whole.
to reserve is to shrink back.

Feeling the weight of LA tonight. But fear is a slap in face. fear is an insult to God. It's faithless, it's cowardliness, it's ridiculous.

I really think my safe zone is humility. There is so much freedom in humility. Humility is completely dependent, it's completely willing, and completely unthreatened. To place yourself in humility is to place yourself as a receiver. And God has alot to give. Anything other than humility has the i-have-arrived-and-your-still-on-your-way attitude. Now that is a dead end, but this is the Word, "but in humility consider others better than yourself". This isn't a put-down, its a reality check saying, 'hey you still have a lot of ground to cover so suck up the pride and take it all in..."

The Struggle

Today was more of a struggle than anything. Tonight my heart echo's something i wrote about a year ago. it may seem a bit depressing, but hang in there;

Things just seem clearer at 3 am. A room filled with nothing but a song too often replayed and the bittersweet sting of uncertainty. Nothing moves here. No commotion, nothing but the sound of refilling lungs and my own scattered thoughts. Nothing pushes and nothing pulls, just pure undiluted life remains; but when the sun rises it means I’ve lost a little bit more.

Everything comes back to the way it was at 3 am. It all becomes surreal, just a little too empty. But nothing is more real than this. This is where all that is left is beating hearts and dreams of everything we won’t believe in tomorrow. But this is it; this is where we were meant to live.

Everything fades at 3 am. No deadlines, no stress, no confusion. There is something significant about following one day into another. To follow an end only to find it’s just another beginning. What beauty, what joy, what emotionless serenity. Please somebody just stop the world at 3 am.

3 am I can deal with. I can not deal with choice and love. I can not deal with God and destiny. I can not deal with comprehension and I certainly cannot deal with the future. 3 am asks no questions. 3 am believes in me. 3 am requires nothing. 3 am lives and let’s live. My heart comes back to itself at 3 am. I love myself at 3 am.

Please somebody just stop the world at 3 am.


The sick thing is that to struggle is to choose to struggle. The Lord revealed that to me tonight. I was talking to God about sin and conflict when i heard Him say the wildest thing, "Something can only bind you if it is greater than what first freed you." oooooo that's deep.

A verse that all too often depicts the human condition, "As a dog returns to it's vomit, so a fool repeat his folly." That's sick. But here's the question...why do we return?? I think familiarity overrules misery. I think we prefer what we know, even if it's destroying us. That is also sick.

So that is the shitty part about our earthly struggles. Now here's the beauty...Jacob wrestled the angel and the angel was overcome. This tells me i am not fighting in vain, but i am destined for freedom. I came from perfection, and perfection is my destination.

"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! for i have overcome the world!" John somewhere

The Overflow

"For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" MT. 12:34

My life has to be lived out of the overflow.

In the overflow we reach beyond ourselves,
in the overflow we see what was meant to be,
in the overflow we touch the unseen,
in the overflow there is no lack,
in the overflow we meet God.

Someone once told me there are 2 kinds of Christians in this world; reservoirs and canals. Canals simply allow the stream to flow through them whenever it happens to rush through. Reservoirs have the capacity to retain. They never lack life in them. in drought and flood they always have more than enough. the overflow is all about our ability to retain. everybody wants a word from God but nobody remembers the last one.



"Above all else, guard you heart, for it is the wellspring of life" PRV. 4:23

Call you out

nice guys are nobody's friend. If being a pushover is the only i can keep the peace, then peace is not worth it. I want to start living offensively. There should be very few people who my life does not offend; maybe those who live the same life. I am realizing that truth by nature is painful rather than easy. The people who are the closest to me are the same people who can tear a strip out of me for my own good. Jesus lived offensively. He created conflict wherever he went. He brought a tension to those who lived in error because he loved them enough to show them what they were meant for.

Have you ever met someone who really lived out the Bible? it's wild, they are the craziest, most offensive people. There is no hesitation to call you out on something. If i am too busy being nice to someone to tell them there is a better life out there than i am a two-face and a traitor, and i show that all i really care about is saving face.

I am not real sure where i got this image of Jesus as a weak but loving guy who couldn't be harsh if he tried. I really couldn't be more off, even his disciples were scared to ask him things cause they knew he wouldn't hesitate to call them out.

Being a witness does not equal a smile on my face; it's truth on my lips. This realization has brought me a lot of freedom but at the same time so much more responsibility. So much for my smile-people-into-the-kingdom philosophy...

God of old, God of new

so i have been reading some good old testament lately. its pretty wild stuff. God went to great lengths to be reunited with his people. ridiculous lengths.

Some people think that the God of the old testament is hopelessly irreconcilable to the God of the new. i think those people are crazy. i think there is no better place to look for the heart of God than the stories in the OT.

been finding alot of revelation even in the really thick parts of the OT. i was reading about all God's legalistic requirements for his priests and being blow away at the lengths God went to, to show them they were glorious. he literally made them where turbans with the solid gold inscription, "HOLY TO THE LORD". i can just see God thinking to himself, "how can i show them how incredible and worthwhile they really are?".

Right from the get go He has been relentlessly pursuing his people, and the first move has never been with us. i am always the responder and always the receiver. the ball is in my court.

Jesusthoughts

so this is what blogs are like. they're not bad. i thought Jesusthoughts was appropriate, i think God is speaking through our thoughts and desires more than we know...

So my first post has to do with me struggling to comprehend God. I am a big fan of struggling with God, i believe if your not struggling with God in any aspect, you are probably at least half dead in your walk. God is glorious and beautiful, and this is the struggle of us all; to reflect that glory.

So i wrote this about a year ago, but that often still represents my misconceptions of God. I remember sitting on my porch in a perfectly peaceful moment with God smoking pipe and looking at the stars on a beautiful BC night...

December 16-06...

“all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be”. Yikes. The sovereignty of God is sovereign. What about the bad days? Are they ordained? What about when my heart goes cold, when I don’t believe, when lust rears its ugly head, when I rage against God, defy God, and possibly worst of all – misrepresent God. What happens to the divine plan of God when I lose it? I’m not talking about stubbing my toe and dropping the f-bomb, I am talking about boldfaced defiance of God’s perfect will. If my call is to such and such a time and place and my heart is not found to be true enough, do I miss God’s call? Perhaps for a time. Yet I believe perfect will is an ideal, not something to ever truly and wholly achieve. But this is not discouraging; it simply takes the limits off our life with God and thrusts us toward something infinitely, overwhelmingly, progressively glorious. Nothing is lost with God. The past is nothing. Actually nothing. Failures, missed chances, even extensively damaging heartaches do more than fade; they vanish instantaneously in His presence. This is the beauty of God. Years of ignorance, indifference, suppression, aggression, depression, hate and confusion don't have enough strength to last one second in the presence of the Almighty.

I need to get to that place with God.



David said the one thing he would ask God would be to stand in his prescence all the days of his life. I think David had it right.